THE RISE AND FALL OF THE PEN SYNDICATE

 I just can’t comprehend why my mouth itches a lot…..but someone has to say it, especially when it ought to be said.

I could not contain it any longer after the recent nightmare I had about my precious BiC pen (P.E. 21) which was bitterly stolen at lower primary school.

It all started in class 3 (Mawuli Primary School) where 3 of my classmates developed a very strong desire to go into a business partnership. I know you would wonder what kind of business partnership 3 young boys at an average age of 9 were capable of forming.

Even though I don’t remember whose brainchild it was, that boy must have been a reincarnated pen-terrorist.

Taking a close look at the lifestyles of the founding babies….sorry,….I mean….founding fathers, I had a feeling that the proposed partnership was going to take the shape of a terrorist group or something of that ilk.

Oh! Lest I forget, allow me to make an affirmation before I continue.

 

I, Efo Gameli, a progeny of my progenitors

Do solemnly affirm that, all the revelations I shall make,

Shall be the truth…mixed with a little fib

And nothing but the truth

So back me Guys!

 

Now, let me proceed!

Since the group had no official name, I christened it, “The Pen Syndicate” (TPS).

Their MISSION was to steal and amass pen (especially, BiC and Kofa brands).

Their VISION was to steal the headmaster’s fountain pen. 

The formidable nature and abrupt success of TPS caused a lot of trepidation among boys and girls alike; we didn’t know where to hide our pens anymore.

There is an African proverb which Chinua Achebe captured beautifully as, “An old woman is always uneasy when dry bones are mentioned in a proverb”.

I bet if those 3 boys are not feeling guilty by now, it must be either of the following;

1. They have forgotten about their childhood exploits
2. They are still impenitent

Eii Boys!!! I lift your names on high!

Ernest Gavor (Marketing Manager of TPS), you were too crafty. I salute you!

Eli Avenyo (Field Engineer of TPS), you were too daring. I doff my hat to you!

Wisdom Eloh (Data Analyst/Engineer of TPS), you were too innovative. I prostrate before thee!

 

Let me also use this opportunity to acknowledge the following dignitaries;

Hon. Cheritta Attivor alias Obotwimlaa Ngozi Cherrie (Matriarch of the class 3 traditional area, a common enemy to the talkative boys who used to sit at the back row). I bow with respect.

Hon. Karin Keteku (Assistant Matriarch of the class 3 traditional area). I hail thee.

O.K, back to TPS,

No! Wait!

Let me first seek protection from few comrades before I continue revealing the secrets that my 3 brothers have painstakingly concealed from their girlfriends/wives over the years. If I am not well-protected, these boys will corner me somewhere and deprive me of my last Kofa pen.

Rev. Dr. Quasi Borboe (Founder and Overseer of The-5-Loaves-of-Beans-and-2-Gallons-of-Kobi International Ministries), I need your spiritual backing because I don’t feel safe on this dangerous path I am about to take.

Flt. Lt. Eng. Dela (senior watchman…. sorry…. Security man of the 66.3 artillery regiment), build a robust outpost and be on the lookout for my potential assailants.

Dr. Elorm Tsawoe and Dr. Sakyi (Chief Medical Superintendents of 'Agbenorxevimetsiafumato o' Health Center), should any of these TPS boys report to your clinic with the slightest headache or stomachache, please don’t hesitate to amputate his legs. Just explain to his family that his headache is quite complicated and have affected his umbilical cord…or…spinal cord…. or…. whatever…. I don’t know; just mention some medical jargons in order to justify the amputation. After all, they can only pursue me if they have their legs intact.

DCOP Kris & DSP Qouphy (senior supervisors of the Sokode-Etoe watchdog committee), arrest these boys even if they have not committed any crime. I will send you their photos for easy identification. Don’t worry about your gratuities; it will be ready as soon as the job is executed.

Gen. Maj. Edem Mensah & “His Royal Agbotoeness”, Emmanuel Tamakloe (Members of the Agbozume-Klikor wrestling hall of fame), I beseech you to be my bodyguards.

Barristers Retornam & Betornam (The first ever Siamese-twin court messengers of the Adaklu-Vodze Court of Appeal), twist the law in my favour in times of prosecution. I don’t mind even if you adjourn the case 100 times.

Evangelists Theodore, Godwin and Etornam B. (Founders of the Nogokpo-Must-Confess-that-Jesus Christ-is-Lord Outreach Ministries), organize a 3-week DRY fasting and prayer for my sake.

Chattered Accountants A. Kporngor, R. Doh and F. Akumia (Board of directors of the Takla-Hordzo Cosmopolitan Susu Scheme), lend me some money for a plastic surgery; I need a disguise urgently.

Transport Engineers K. Deku, E. Nutsuklo and E. Mantey (Opinion leaders of the Akatsi-Abor market truck pushers’ union), help me to travel outside the country; I need a means of transport to escape my TPS brothers after the exposé.

Now that I feel protected, let me continue…….

Gavor’s responsible was to distract people’s attention by engaging their victims in scintillating folktales (Ayiyi kple Detsorvi gli wo). He had a stockpile of interesting folktales.

Whiles the would-be victims is enthralled by the folktale, Eli will furtively move closer and “harvest” the pen. He will then quickly toss the pen over to Eloh.

Eloh will hurriedly disassemble the pen and give it nice “penicure”. The pen will then accept Jesus Christ as its lord and personal saviour; the ink level will never be same; pen number P.E. 21 could become I .E. 2¹ or P.F  1. In short, there was no way you could make out your pen after it has been “harvested” and transmogrified.

Contrary to the normal Friday’s exhibition of dirty school uniforms by the majority of primary school pupils, Eloh starts his own exhibition from Monday afternoons; his school uniform is always maculated with ink from bleeding pens.

TPS grew from strength to strength and became inexorable. It could not be tamed, maimed or blamed; any mother could even use the name “TPS” instead of Boogeyman, "Hannibal is at the gates!" or “bibi” to frighten and bring her recalcitrant child to order.

When they realized that I was becoming too nosy, the management of TPS ‘silenced’ me with some of the booty from the ‘harvest’ and I reluctantly became a fan of TPS. “If you can’t beat them, join them” (Anonymous). Most of the boys became devotees of TPS as well.

As I become a titular company lawyer, I could defend TPS to some extent…….

1. TPS was the only group that occasionally declared liberation for the talkative boys; they could choose to “harvest” the pen that belonged to the class prefect.
2. They caused postponement of class tests due to shortage of pen in the classroom.
3. Like Robin Hood of Sherwood Forest, they stole from the rich and gave to the needy; they established equity in the system.

But everything that has a beginning has an end.

TPS started moving from grace to dry grass. The main reasons for its fall were as follows;

Gavor’s database of folktales got depleted; the ‘adu madze’ sessions were becoming vapid.

Eli’s fingers were becoming fat and could no longer enter every pocket unnoticed.

Hold on! Before I talk about Eloh, I want to make it very clear to the names which I am about to mention that, I don’t tolerate opposition. And moreover, I have a lot of comrades backing me. Am I clear?!

Eloh suddenly became a gentleman because he had his eyes on one pulchritudinous girl in the class. I guess it was either Karin or Cheritta.

The fall of TPS saddened the hearts of the boys but caused a great relief among the girls.

Let us be on our feet and give the boys a standing ovation; they have exhibited a great potential of forming a successful company.

Guys, we all have the capability of causing change by pooling our individual faculties.

To my TPS brothers, even if any of you decides to take me on legally, I will just tell the judge that, “I said all these under the influence of alcohol”.

Have a lovely day, friends!

Gameli Agboada

12^th December, 2009

 

Image Source:

https://www.google.com/search?q=big+pen&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwiqr-i0oID5AhUW-BoKHdrcAT4Q2-cCegQIABAA&oq=big+pen&gs_lcp=CgNpbWcQARgAMgUIABCABDIFCAAQgAQyBQgAEIAEMgUIABCABDIFCAAQgAQyBQgAEIAEMgUIABCABDIFCAAQgAQyBQgAEIAEMgUIABCABDoGCAAQHhAIOgQIABAYOggIABCABBCxAzoLCAAQgAQQsQMQgwE6BAgAEEM6BwgAELEDEENQlwlY4hZgyiZoAHAAeACAAf4BiAHCDpIBAzItOJgBAKABAaoBC2d3cy13aXotaW1nwAEB&sclient=img&ei=qyzUYuqtF5bwa9q5h_AD&bih=880&biw=1920&rlz=1C1GCEU_enGH1007GH1007#imgrc=wKvoJJW0GPqkwM Date Accessed: 17/07/2022