Lead Author: Gameli Agboada
Guest Author: Efo Kofi
Gavor
Chief Editor: Stephen
Baidu
Lying on a superiorly fabricated
terrazzo grave in a tranquil cemetery yard, among famous carcass echelons, all
with the gloried accolade, RIP, a dream came forth.
I have a dream that my cemetery
youngsters will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the
volume of stray “wee” smokes that entered their nostrils but by the number of
sepulchers they trampled upon and the size of their rear end “hompoe”,
generated by indiscriminate scaling of the dwarf walls surrounding the
classrooms. I have a dream today!
- Fofovi Lartin Muther King Small
There is a general
acknowledgement that WISDOM is directly proportional to AGE.
But I just can’t understand why
some old men went a step further to believe that, PHYSICAL STRENGTH is also
ALWAYS directly proportional to AGE.
I recently witnessed a duel,
where a disillusioned old man, who could barely walk steadily, was flexing his
82 year-old muscles against a 28-year-old body builder. Oh Charley!! “Ghana
spoil”!! Too many "Chinchorchi" movies dey deceive wanna old folks
these days.
The most irritating part of these
kinds of confrontations is when these old men start reciting their CVs with
confidence and aggression: “Hey youngman!!
Do you know me? What do you mean? Look at this small boy ooh!!! Me? Old
soldier?!! 1942 – 45, ‘Borma’, 46 – 47, ‘Lebanor’, 47 – 49, Congo 'Brazzavi'!!
5 wives and 17 children who work at big big places!!! Even my last born is
older than you!”
This phenomenon has become so
common of late and I am sometimes tempted to believe that it was the entire
Gold Coast that went to Burma.
Hmm!..... I never knew Cemetery
L.A. J.S.S also had an old undercover ‘blowman’ until the right conditions were
made possible by Efo Beethoven’s untamed appetite for gari soakings.
Do you know that in every
government school, there is always at least one teacher who is NOT liked very
much by most students? My school was not an exception; Olodo Rekpete is his
baptismal name. The old man suffered a little unpopularity simply because of how he
handled the subject Mathematics, with a weird sort of impatience for the slow
boys.
Let me just give you a brief
profile of the man, Olodo Rekpete. He said he is a foreign graduate of an
unnamed Naija University. He lived in Naija for several years and has lots of
experience that equipped him with a repository of counsel on life, besides his
mathematical prowess.
Ok, let me not bore you too much
with his age and other things but I would like to conclude by saying that,
around 2002 when we were leaving SSS, His Mightiness Olodo Rekpete was pursuing
HND at Ho Poly. Please Please Please!!! Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying
Olodo lied to us about the Naija University, neither am I saying he was telling
the truth.
The year was AD 1999, during my
early days on the charcoal stool as the Emperor of the great western empire
(form 3A), Olodo suffereth violence and violence taketh him by force. [Selah]
Before I continue, let me take
this opportunity to acknowledge some of my elders:
Papa Siga (Minister of youth and
forestry; a founding father of the form 3 bush fraternity)
Sialo Agari (Minister of Science
and Technology; responsible for drilling through classroom walls for effective
communication and inter- class Sand Battles)
Beethoven Gbagbo (Minister of
brick games and life-saving alarms; “Borki gborrr lo!!!!”)
Borbor Kruzo/Kizo (Minister of Beans
and Agriculture)
Efo Kofi Gavor (Minister of state
responsible for Entertainment and “Adu madze”)
Ernest Gavor, Eli Avenyo and
Wisdom Eloh (Members of the Committee responsible for Pen and Logistics)
Pytha Degboe (Minister of
Information; he has a record of an attempted coup d’état against the charcoal
stool; I quickly confused him with this position in order to settle his 'treacherous' mind)
Selasy Tsigbeh (Special Advisor
to the charcoal stool; “An accomplice to the coup attempt against the charcoal
stool, now in Christ”)
Andrew Quao [Hanson] (Minister of
fake Foreign Sports; whiles most of us were trying hard to understand the local
league, he was deceiving us with stuffs about Blackburn, Nottingham Forest and
3-corner kicks-to-penalty etc)
Victor Biaku (Minister of Health
and Gentility; the only boy who cleans his rat-leather shoes with white
handkerchief every time he kicks a ball, even during crucial inter- class
tournaments)
Tayita (Minister of "ball-gboe" and jamma affairs)
Mawusi Tawiah [Zangief] (Former
Emperor and Minister of Arts and Culture; the only boy who could sketch the image of breastfeeding mothers with frightening masculine biceps)
Edem Mensah (Chief of Defense
Staff/Executioner; he has a record of ever chasing a senior-on-duty with machete during
class hours)
Stone Berror (Minister of small
Trade and Industry; Ho – Lome)
Catherine Akpi (Deputy Minister
of small Trade and Industry; cerevita, “kongata” and “ene” toffee)
Kwasi Adu and Akakpo Nicky
(Ambassadors that were deployed to Dora Memorial School for espionage)
It all started during lunch time
when Beetho went shopping at the school’s canteen; gari “handed” (¢100), sugar
“tswentey” (¢20), and azi “fiftey” (¢50). He returned and occupied Kpoh’s
vacant desk, upon which he spilled the ‘soakings’.
Kpoh later came back from an
alikoto contest with a sad face and swollen knuckles. He drew close to
his desk and was outraged by what he saw on it. He quickly located Efo Beetho
and displayed some “Snake in a Monkey Shadow” karate skills on him. The poor
boy became traumatized, and had no other option than to seek redress from
the staff common room.
As usual, Huzeyman (Captain
Planet) rose to the task and generously presented Kpoh with 3 and a half acres of grass land as a
form of warning; yellow card. I know those of you who went to
international/dadabi schools will find it hard to comprehend the Art and
Science of 'ingestion' and 'assimilation' of ‘horse grass’.
The work was completed in 1 moon and 3 market days. It was done to the utmost satisfaction of Huzeyman and everybody else except
one man; O—L—O—D—O!!!! Olodo wished Kpoh could continue weeding forever. To our utmost surprise, he told Kpoh not to sit in the classroom until he updates the headmaster on the completed task; he must do the reporting in English language. He, being the
eldest and the most influential teacher, advised the others not to teach
in the western empire (Form 3A) until Kpoh satisfied the new condition.
Oh Charley! Rattling the queen’s
language to the headmaster was by far the toughest punishment ever known to
kpako boys like us. I would personally prefer weeding 7 acres of ‘horse grass’
to this 'grammar atrocity'.
Even though a request from Olodo
to outlaw Kpoh from the classroom was made to the stool, I quickly advised
myself against such a 'deadly' move. Kai! Was Beetho's trauma not enough deterrent to avoid any possible hostile encounter with a not-so-happy young man who was recovering from bruises and lacerations gotten from that 3.5 acre bush? Consequently, the empire sacrificed 2 weeks of tuition for
the sake of Kpoh; I never knew even the girls loved him to such an overwhelming
degree.
One sunny morning, Olodo got fed
up with Kpoh’s obstinacy and decided to launch an attack on him. He moved
furtively like a ninja from the staff common room and appeared in front of the
class.
Where is that boy?!!!! He exclaimed.
Suddenly, a dead silence fell
upon the class; it was only dry coughs from Sankopee and his ‘wee’ band that
could be heard faintly amidst the forget-me-not trees. For the very first time,
the great western empire felt threatened by an old ninja.
Olodo surged forward like a
spitting cobra, aiming for Kpoh. No sooner had Kpoh fixed his ‘tiger claws’
than Olodo closed in, grabbed him by the neck and pulled him out of his desk.
The class ran amok and confusion reigned supreme.
Mawusi quickly stepped forward
and brought forth the ‘Peace Pipe’. Olodo refused to smoke it and instead, kept
blustering; “Today, I will twist your body!!!......Leave me!!! Let me twist his
body!!! Move to the staff common room, my friend!!!” I looked at the faces of
my elders, smiled a little and shook my head; “old men are young”.
Kpoh, surprisingly was very
stoical until Olodo obviously got lost in his ninja world and started
over-doing things. All of a sudden, something unexpected happened….eeiii!!!
Kpoh has released the long-awaited queen’s language into the rowdy atmosphere;
“Leave me!! I walk alone, I say
Leave me!! I walk alone”
I guess he wanted to say, “Stop malhandling me!! I will walk to the staff common room by myself”
Hmm!....I now understand why they
say, "the toad does not run in the day time for nothing".
Olodo, whiles pushing Kpoh out of
the classroom, was feeling like a great conqueror. He held him by the neck and was aggressively
directing him towards the staff common room along the form 3 corridor.
“Leave me!! I walk alone, I say
Leave me!!, I walk alone”, Kpoh cried out again.
“You this small boy, I will show
you where the power lies, come on!! move!!” Olodo retorted.
The crowd that gathered to
witness the ordeal had far outnumbered any assemblage of students ever recorded
in the school’s history; sympathizers and well-wishers came from far and near.
Even the “blitsimu” and “azigbo” sellers left their wares at the mercy of stray
goats, in order to participate fully in this earth-shattering ceremony.
As for my imperial-self, I
observed all the proceedings from afar with only one eye whiles keeping the
other on the Stool, Pytha and Selasy.
Before I could say Jack Kofi
Robinson, I saw somebody rolling haphazardly on the floor in front of the staff
common room. Half the crowd went ecstatic whiles the other half stood
dumbfounded. As for the boys who simply hated Mathematics, it was 'kpalogo' and 'agbadza' time.
Kpoh went, saw, and conquered
with one heavy slap, which sent Olodo down, spinning like alikoto. 'Oh dear!! Ignominy be what?' Let me see whether I can even spell it out;
I for Ayisoba
G for Jihad
N for Enterprise
O for Olodo
M for Eminent
I for Ayigbey town
N for Enchantment and
Y for Wire
The young male teachers rushed
out of the room to restrain Kpoh before he thinks of worsening Olodo’s plight.
To my greatest surprise, Olodo was still blustering breathlessly on the ground;
"I'll twist your body!"
I looked again at the faces of my
elders, smiled a little and shook my head; “The impudence of a dying cockroach”
Who says Mawuli J.S.S. was not an
interesting place? That person must be a Philistine, a
Pharisee, a citizen of Babylonia, or a native of Sodom and Gomorrah.
This was almost exactly what I narrated to the headmaster when he consulted the stool for reports concerning the
drama.
If you were the headmaster, how
would you have handled this case?
But Wait! Before you start
thinking of giving any wrong judgement here, let us observe a minute of silence
for all the 'fallen' ninjas.
From that day forward, the great
western empire grew from strength to strength and we all lived happily ever
after, no! sorry, I mean we were living happily until BECE came knocking.
Have a lovely day.
June, 2010
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